Disclaimer: I wrote this post when I was still in a relationship, so I had to edit it again to make it current.
So dating in my past has been more than problematic. I have had decent lovers and great lovers and others who I would love to stomp into a ground. In fifteen plus years of dating I have noticed that really have accumulated baggage good and bad. I have more good baggage than bad, but my bad baggage was unexpectedly brought to my attention and I am trying to understand. My baggage of choice is slight abandonment issues.
In my last two dating experiences in which one was great and a huge romantic builder. The other left me broken and found me inheritently indignant and irritated for a long time. I always praised myself as being someone who knew his heart and when I cleared the fog from my past dating experiences I decided begin dating again.
So speed things up and here we are dating and boyfriend and I have had profound conversations on dating and the place we are in right now. We identify we both have things that we need to work on from our past, but we would forge thru it together. Recently I took a trip to Miami with a few of my homeboys from my facebook group and a great time it was. Towards the second half of my trip I was hearing less and less from my dude and slowly I started to flip out. No one saw the meltdown because I don’t like people seeing me at my weakest, although this post confirms I freaked out. When I got back home I saw him and we talked about the lack of communication, he had a justified answer. Then I realized two things, either I am needy or I am needy.
After the conversation (which do well) I identified the issue quickly. As much as I thought I walked into the dating situation with minimal baggage, I realized I had a major issue and really blown my high this week. I have been trying to wrap my mind around it.
It all stems from my last relationship and rather than the person I was seeing to confront me and say they were done, they chose to disappear for months. I looked around for them and nothing. No contact at all. I was waiting just to hear they were dead and since we had a “discreet” relationship it was no one on his side that I could reach to find him. So I sat and waited. I turned around to be dumped and even in all the melee of the fuckery I still tried to be his friend, but I realized one day that he was not worth my friendship or understanding. So I disappeared on him.
I had to have long talks with myself because I feel primarily that my shortcomings are mine to deal with. I rarely reach out to people to help me to change a habit because ultimately I have to choose to change or to be the same.
Sadly I am making this decision within a relationship and by default I have to change because I have someone’s feelings involved and I take no delight in hurting people. I think the more and more I talk to my dude about this it will be absolved, but in my relationship mindset I hate being a failure or the perpetrator of misconduct and confrontation. I want things to go swimmingly, but alas that is not realistic and I even know that.
2nd Disclaimer: Now lets get to where I am at now, I originally wrote this post 3 weeks ago.
So I made the decision to split from my dude a week after for more foolishness that took place. The thing about having baggage is to identify and handle it appropriately. When confronted with the thing that can make you a less than outstanding lover you communicate with the person you are with to resolve matters. Our communication ultimately failed and I got tired and I decided the healthy resolve was to be single and his friend but he chose not to. I will write one day in detail about my break-up and I hopefully will a series of all my breakups. I think it will be cathartic for me. So we will see.
So with all this said how do you deal with new baggage in a relationship? And do you move past it? And if it’s not you how do you help your lover/partner/spouse?
Peace and Hair Grease,