A few days ago I celebrated my 33rd year on God’s green earth. Instead of spending the evening in libations and people I decided to stay home and clean. I really just needed time to think.
Who am I?
Where am I going?
Who do I want to be?
How can I be better?
I stayed inside my head all day and with my thoughts. I rarely have time to think and even just to be still. I just do what I do and keep moving, but in those moments when I get to stop are the most magical.
The last year of my life has been great. I will not rehash the things that were said in my New Year’s blog (Simply Twenty Twelve), but I will say that betrayal can come from anywhere. Betrayal can happen regardless of time spent and earned with a person. I close friend of mine who I have had a tumultuous thirteen year friendship with ended. Some of my friends made me feel at blame and that I should have done more to stop him from walking away. I firmly believe if people can easily walk out your life, let them walk on. I am glad that even still people are revealing who they really are with little to no effort at all. I miss my homeboy but I am not in the space to coddle the egos of adults.
I looked back over the past thirty-three years and thought of the decisions I have made. There are little to no regrets I believe God intends all things to happen to build character and adversity so we can evolve, but I am getting too old for minor missteps. I can’t let me money get funny, hang out with lackluster ill-hearted people, or get caught up in other people’s insecurities.
I have to live for me.
Pursue my joys and dreams and goals.
I will admit very candidly I do have one solid regret. I regret staying in DC all my life. I have never lived anywhere else and honestly I have only been outside the country once. The reasons I stayed in DC was the closeness I have with my family. My family at this moment is splintered and honestly I don’t view anyone the same anymore. I love them because that’s who I am, but I do not like the women they have become. Being the only boy and the youngest has been great but they discount my experience too much at times. I am more keyed into real life than my siblings and parents and being around them sometimes, which I haven’t but with one sibling, leads me to instantly get irritated because they never confront issue when they arise with any kind of maturity, compassion, and understanding. They haven’t let go of their past to forge their futures and the resentment is so obvious they can’t even see it and it hurts even more because they won’t trust me to help them. I am speaking from someone who has overcome his own adversities in life. It hasn’t been easy, but it has been a fight worthwhile.
So next year I am deciding to relocate. I need a serious break and a healthy distance from my family. My friends have become the family I have needed in the last four years and honestly without any of them I don’t know who or where I would be without them. I am also taking the time away so I can further flush out who I am. My identity has been so transfixed sometimes on being in a family unit. Now the question is who I am without that back up?
So I ask you to try to challenge yourself, your surroundings, and the people who say they love you or befriend you.
Work through your regrets, forgive yourself, redeem yourself, and move forward.
Understand that not everyone has your best interest at heart and regardless of how long you have known each other.
And above all, if you want to do it, DO IT. Live your life because you only got one.
I do want to say thank you to all the people have truly known my heart and supported my growth. You know who are.
Peace and Hair Grease,