Deadbeats and Baby GRANDmama Drama….

When I originally planned on writing this blog it was going to be about a current issue. I realized later that this issue I have crossed before, but not as an adult, but as a six year old child.

Picture this… Camp Springs, MD 1986… you love the reference I know, but I digress… a young black boy realizes his parents are splitting he doesn’t understand what is quite going on, but he moves to Largo in a house similar to his former, he thinks things are back to normal. He finds they only get stranger….

When my parents split it wasn’t a bad time for me. My mom was there and explained things in a way that I understood. It got weird when I had to start going to the Y chromosome’s house for visitation on weekends with my sister. So awkward to be around people who didn’t understand me or really knew me, including my own so-called parental DNA donor… I will never call him the “D” word or the “F” word because he was neither… So for four years I went over a man’s house on alternating weekends to do nothing, let alone bond with him. I thank God he stopped showing up. The most peculiar thing about my stepfamily was my very real biological paternal grandmother.

The reason this is was bizarre was because I have never seen her prior to my parents splitting. I just plainly do not remember her. She was weird, not like my real Grandma who I truly loved and understood me. I can still feel her hugs, I can still smell her, and I can still see her sitting by the window in Southeast DC with her cane to her side watching her stories. She went to God in 1996, but I can still feel her presence today. Even to go her home I peek up into the window hoping to see her sitting by the window. The air was different around there and it was one of few safest places for me and mind you this was DC in the 80s and 90s. That was my idea of a grandmother, but this other woman I have no clue about her and as soon as my genetic male provider disappeared, she was gone with him.

I found out later in life that her and my mother never got along. As to why I truly do not know because my Granddaddies on both sides were there all the time… graduations, birthdays, holidays, and etc. they were always there and still are.

Was the relationship between my paternal grandmother and mother so strained that she could not see us?

Did my mother forbid her to?

I really have never asked. I wonder sometimes but I really don’t know what went on because adults do crazy things when children are involved. Honestly I resent my paternal grandmother because she never got to know me. She easily could have got to me through my paternal grandfather of whom I had a relationship and still do to this day. I forgive her, but I truly will never understand her. I feel like she was protecting my sperm donor when she should have been reinforcing him to be there. He and I don’t have a relationship either. Why do mothers support the actions of their deadbeat sons or stand idly by when they should be a man and take care of their seed?

After years of not seeing “him” (that is what he will be referred to as) I saw him in 1996 and he was at court. I think he subpoenaed my mother for return of child support he paid on my sister a year longer than he should have and wanted the fucking money back. Only to find out that he was in back pay and the money would not be returned and the child support for me was only to be decreased by two hundred dollars. One thing I give my mother credit for. She never hid us from these things. She allowed us to be there and make an assessment of things on our own.  We saw the facts and I still remember that day and I had hoped he would have spoken to me, but he did not. I think my father is horrible, not just for this, but for other things. We were his children and to him, a price tag, an item of failed love. I think he resents my sister and I and that’s sad because as cliché as this sounds. I did not ask to be brought into this world or situation. I rather would have been born as Will Smith’s child, or a Hilton, maybe even one of George Foreman’s sons. Some kind of heir, I need some money people and I don’t feel like working. LOL

FAST FORWARD…..

I saw “him” again at his mother’s funeral. I was asked to go. A bad idea, but I did get to see my brothers who I think have an estranged relationship now because of my father’s melee and the fuckery he has caused on a regular basis. He didn’t speak to me then either and we haven’t spoken father to son since 1990. It’s too far gone and he can’t redeem himself only God can repair this.

ANOTHER FAST FORWARD….

Now its present day. I’m not going to go in too much detail about the events at hand because this situation is ongoing, but I needed to chime in…. a little… ok a lot. A close relative of mine just conceived a child almost a year ago. A beautiful baby and I see how my relative is steadily maturing and becoming a better woman. It’s by leaps and bounds and to be honest I am quite proud of her. She is taking care of business. Now the child’s father…. Not so much. He can’t hold down a job and nor is providing babysitting either. He pretty much does not do anything and in my opinion he is not being a man… let alone a father. There are other things going on in the situation, but those are primarily between him and her and I don’t discuss anyone’s business but my own. Especially in this scenario in particular.

There are times I notice on Facebook my relative has posted questions indirectly in regard to her situation because she is looking for unbiased advice and help. Which I think is fair because she is not exactly naming persons or exact situations. So I can dig it.

Now on the post his mother will respond with a rebuttal defending him?!?!?!?!?!?!

Let’s be clear America there is never an excuse to not take care of your child, man or woman, unless you are physically incapacitated or physically incarcerated. THERE ARE NO EXCUSES.

If it was me and I got to sell every garment of clothing, dump trash, if me and ole girl weren’t together and I got to sell dick, sell weed, or whatever…  I’m going to get it done. DEFINITELY… without any doubt.  I feel like his mother wants her hands in the whole situation of my relative’s life and the baby’s, but does not want to rectify that ill behavior her irresponsible son and she often protects his action and does not make him accountable.

Why do mothers protect their deadbeat sons?

I know there are instances where people think the child is not theirs… a la Maury Povich, but a simple DNA analysis would remedy that. Personally I think my relative should take him to court for child support and if he can’t pay. Lock his ass up.

Be a real woman who is about taking care of child, do what Sheree Whitfield won’t.

The only high road you can take is the one that has the child on it. I think it’s far time there are stricter repercussions for fathers who do not take care of their children. Jail isn’t enough. I think they should be almost tantamount to sex offenders and found on a registry which has them listed.

Only time will tell the actions my relative has decided and I know she will do the best for her child because she has an entire family supporting her in her decision.

Do you think Grandmamas cause as much confusion as baby mamas and deadbeats? I would love to hear your thoughts. Until next time…

 

Peace and Hair Grease,

Rodd Klever

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13 thoughts on “Deadbeats and Baby GRANDmama Drama….

  1. Your article was so true. I’m currently in this situatuin now and its sad. At times I do feel like giving up, but I continue to look at my child and say No I’m pushing harder and harder until I get what’s do to me. Something my daughter said to me one time that really had me in my feelings. We were at the store and it was something that she wanted to get, I told her before entering the store I wasn’t buying any,extra stuff, she caught an attitude and said to me my dad is right he said you just be taking the child support money and spending it on yourself. It took me all my mighty powers not to smack the shyt out of her, but at the same time I was really in my feelings. Her father currently receives unemployment for almost 18months now. I recently took him back to court for modification and contempt for child support,and the judge did not find him in contempt. Til this day he still as not paid the amount he is ordered to pay. His excuse is his bills comes first. He will put $30.00-40.00 on child support like that is suppose to take care of everything. I pay $100.00 a week for before and aftercare, and I get so pissed. Far as his mother this is her only grandchild and christmas was sad for her all she bought her was a nail polish set, but I took care the rest. Her father is nothing but a mom’s boy he cant do no wrong in her eyes and she will have his back regardless. It’s because this is the type of man she raise, no morals, no respect no nothing. he can bearly take care of hisself, and dont want to work. I wont give up on nothing like this especially when it comes to my child, I work hard very hard and I know it’s going to pay off. My child is 9years old I dont keep her away from her dad or anything, she will see whats really going on when the time is right. Thanks

    1. you are more than welcome love and being a product of that situation… we turn out alright.. allow your daughter to see things for what they are and allow her to make her own assessment.. my mom explained when I think she didnt have to… and i loved her for that. It will get better. Keep your head up love.

  2. I dont think that any grandmother should stand by her deadbeat son. He should be scolded and put on the write path. People who cant be responsible adults and take care of their children should not have sex. Dont make a baby if you cant take care of it.

  3. Wow!!! This was an incredible post; so warm/genuine/heartfelt. i totally concur, however, I have to add it’s not just mothers but women in general. You would be surprised how many women accept/love/stay/protect/provide/enable deadbeat fathers just to say they got a man. When in fact they have a boy who refuses to grow up. It’s really sad “but” unfortunately nothing is going to change until women raise their expectations by contracting that very rare disease called self-respect, therefore elevating their requirements in the men they chose.

    1. Kamilah you know I only come from the heart and I feel for children who get caught in the middle, everyone loses in situations like that and thats the thing people dont understand at times I hope this reaches someone who needs to read this… It may help a family.

  4. Yes grandparents do cause just as much confusion as the kids parents, and often enable unnaceptable childish behavior. However it is up to the mature responsibile person in the relationship/situation, to make the right choices regarding the children. While 2 parents in the home is ideal, along with a support structure, including gramps, its not the end of the owlrd, if you subsitutue real/close friends for grandparents, and a stable job, in place of endless child support hearings. Our menal system is already overcrowded, however if the bastard is shirking his responsibilities, stop carping about it and take it to the law, or keep ya legs closed. Kids just want to be loved, heard, acknowledged, and appreciated. There’s no book that defines this love and affection, and no requirements that it come from specific people.

  5. I so loved this!!! You wrote from the heart. I read this last night and had to let it all sink in. I believe there are drama grandmamas. But all in all, most grandparents, when they have some sense, will pull the brother aside and talk with him. Most parents, who have some sense, whether their child is wrong or right will tell them about themselves and still love them. But a word of correction is always in order. I can’t support fuckery.

    However, I do know as women many of us have raised our daughters and coddled our sons. We have protected our sons because their fathers weren’t there when sometimes we should have let them fall on their arses. Just saying. As a result we have a generation of women who think we can always do it by ourselves and a generation of men who don’t want to own up to responsibility and be accountable. I don’t think this is a new phenomenon. It’s just more evident these days.

    Anyway, I’m off my rant. I love you for this. And I really enjoyed reading the back story and the history. As much time as we spend together, it was good to see the time line.

  6. I truly understand you and feel you on every point. I have the same similar problems with my younger son’s father with his trifling mother and family making excuses. Good read I enjoyed this.

  7. A grandparent can make or break that situation but of course ultimately it falls on the fathers lap. I actually have one son with a grandmother who hasn’t called or even tried to see him since his father disappeared when he was an infant 6 years ago and another son’s grandmother who has never condoned her sons actions. She has always gone to battle for me and her grandson. When she brings gifts, she brings them for all of us. She is a wonderful blessing!

    It’s always been hard for me to understand how a mother can sit by and watch her son not take responsibility for his children. I want my boys to do their best at everything– including being great parents. When their children grow into great adults, I want them to be able to sit back and be proud of the role they played in it.

    That all sounds well and fine but what I’m really thinking is… I wish their lil’ asses would try some crap like that…

    1. You are absolutely right. I dont understand it either. How do you turn a blind eye to the your child’s ill behavior when it involves the little ones they have brought into this world? I never understood it either and if I had children I know my mother wouldnt allow any of that to happen.

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