When I originally planned on writing this blog it was going to be about a current issue. I realized later that this issue I have crossed before, but not as an adult, but as a six year old child.
Picture this… Camp Springs, MD 1986… you love the reference I know, but I digress… a young black boy realizes his parents are splitting he doesn’t understand what is quite going on, but he moves to Largo in a house similar to his former, he thinks things are back to normal. He finds they only get stranger….
When my parents split it wasn’t a bad time for me. My mom was there and explained things in a way that I understood. It got weird when I had to start going to the Y chromosome’s house for visitation on weekends with my sister. So awkward to be around people who didn’t understand me or really knew me, including my own so-called parental DNA donor… I will never call him the “D” word or the “F” word because he was neither… So for four years I went over a man’s house on alternating weekends to do nothing, let alone bond with him. I thank God he stopped showing up. The most peculiar thing about my stepfamily was my very real biological paternal grandmother.
The reason this is was bizarre was because I have never seen her prior to my parents splitting. I just plainly do not remember her. She was weird, not like my real Grandma who I truly loved and understood me. I can still feel her hugs, I can still smell her, and I can still see her sitting by the window in Southeast DC with her cane to her side watching her stories. She went to God in 1996, but I can still feel her presence today. Even to go her home I peek up into the window hoping to see her sitting by the window. The air was different around there and it was one of few safest places for me and mind you this was DC in the 80s and 90s. That was my idea of a grandmother, but this other woman I have no clue about her and as soon as my genetic male provider disappeared, she was gone with him.
I found out later in life that her and my mother never got along. As to why I truly do not know because my Granddaddies on both sides were there all the time… graduations, birthdays, holidays, and etc. they were always there and still are.
Was the relationship between my paternal grandmother and mother so strained that she could not see us?
Did my mother forbid her to?
I really have never asked. I wonder sometimes but I really don’t know what went on because adults do crazy things when children are involved. Honestly I resent my paternal grandmother because she never got to know me. She easily could have got to me through my paternal grandfather of whom I had a relationship and still do to this day. I forgive her, but I truly will never understand her. I feel like she was protecting my sperm donor when she should have been reinforcing him to be there. He and I don’t have a relationship either. Why do mothers support the actions of their deadbeat sons or stand idly by when they should be a man and take care of their seed?
After years of not seeing “him” (that is what he will be referred to as) I saw him in 1996 and he was at court. I think he subpoenaed my mother for return of child support he paid on my sister a year longer than he should have and wanted the fucking money back. Only to find out that he was in back pay and the money would not be returned and the child support for me was only to be decreased by two hundred dollars. One thing I give my mother credit for. She never hid us from these things. She allowed us to be there and make an assessment of things on our own. We saw the facts and I still remember that day and I had hoped he would have spoken to me, but he did not. I think my father is horrible, not just for this, but for other things. We were his children and to him, a price tag, an item of failed love. I think he resents my sister and I and that’s sad because as cliché as this sounds. I did not ask to be brought into this world or situation. I rather would have been born as Will Smith’s child, or a Hilton, maybe even one of George Foreman’s sons. Some kind of heir, I need some money people and I don’t feel like working. LOL
I saw “him” again at his mother’s funeral. I was asked to go. A bad idea, but I did get to see my brothers who I think have an estranged relationship now because of my father’s melee and the fuckery he has caused on a regular basis. He didn’t speak to me then either and we haven’t spoken father to son since 1990. It’s too far gone and he can’t redeem himself only God can repair this.
ANOTHER FAST FORWARD….
Now its present day. I’m not going to go in too much detail about the events at hand because this situation is ongoing, but I needed to chime in…. a little… ok a lot. A close relative of mine just conceived a child almost a year ago. A beautiful baby and I see how my relative is steadily maturing and becoming a better woman. It’s by leaps and bounds and to be honest I am quite proud of her. She is taking care of business. Now the child’s father…. Not so much. He can’t hold down a job and nor is providing babysitting either. He pretty much does not do anything and in my opinion he is not being a man… let alone a father. There are other things going on in the situation, but those are primarily between him and her and I don’t discuss anyone’s business but my own. Especially in this scenario in particular.
There are times I notice on Facebook my relative has posted questions indirectly in regard to her situation because she is looking for unbiased advice and help. Which I think is fair because she is not exactly naming persons or exact situations. So I can dig it.
Now on the post his mother will respond with a rebuttal defending him?!?!?!?!?!?!
Let’s be clear America there is never an excuse to not take care of your child, man or woman, unless you are physically incapacitated or physically incarcerated. THERE ARE NO EXCUSES.
If it was me and I got to sell every garment of clothing, dump trash, if me and ole girl weren’t together and I got to sell dick, sell weed, or whatever… I’m going to get it done. DEFINITELY… without any doubt. I feel like his mother wants her hands in the whole situation of my relative’s life and the baby’s, but does not want to rectify that ill behavior her irresponsible son and she often protects his action and does not make him accountable.
Why do mothers protect their deadbeat sons?
I know there are instances where people think the child is not theirs… a la Maury Povich, but a simple DNA analysis would remedy that. Personally I think my relative should take him to court for child support and if he can’t pay. Lock his ass up.
Be a real woman who is about taking care of child, do what Sheree Whitfield won’t.
The only high road you can take is the one that has the child on it. I think it’s far time there are stricter repercussions for fathers who do not take care of their children. Jail isn’t enough. I think they should be almost tantamount to sex offenders and found on a registry which has them listed.
Only time will tell the actions my relative has decided and I know she will do the best for her child because she has an entire family supporting her in her decision.
Do you think Grandmamas cause as much confusion as baby mamas and deadbeats? I would love to hear your thoughts. Until next time…
Peace and Hair Grease,