RoddKlever.Com

Love. Transparency. Sincerity. Honesty

I Am….. Back.

 

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No I haven’t been here in six months and I thought I would have returned as soon as my last post. Somehow hours turned into days and days became weeks and my weeks creeped into months. I couldn’t write and I couldn’t find the reason to write. A lot of it was consumed with doing the YouTube channel and rest, well excuses. I think these six months off were necessary for me to find my way back to this platform. Sometimes when you find no ideas to write you have to sit still for them to find you. I can admit this has been a rough year in general more highs than lows so I’m changing my purpose for writing for a bit. I have been focused a lot on helping people but I think I need to journal more. It was my saving grace through my early years when I was coming to peace with my sexuality. I need to own up to who I am and the journey I am on.

In my processing I found the gay blogging world is unnecessarily competitive for no reason. I am Rodd Klever and you are you. Most black gay bloggers I have run into are insecure or jealous and spiteful. Most are compromising their integrity for notoriety and others are using their brand to get laid. I do appreciate a fellow blogger named Benji Irby ( http://benji.cc ) because him and I have very similar blogging dynamics and he has never treated me as competition. He understands that his brand is his and my brand is mine. This is my passion and yes I have been seriously inconsistent because I’m sorting thru shit. I still come here and on Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, and Vine to share who I am whether people want to listen or not.

My key to success is transparency.

When I’m great I will share and I have fallen I will share.

I will make you laugh.

I will make you think.

I will make you side eye.

I will make you disagree.

I will have you saying “That’s me too!!!” I am going to take my blog to a new place I hope to enjoy the ride with all of you. Hopefully my honesty will help those who need it and if anything myself. I have so much self-work to do and I pray you all are here with me.

Transparently,

R. Klever

 

 

 

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Simply Twenty Thirteen

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What a year, what a fucking year. This year has turned out to be the best in my evolution as a human being in general. I didn’t see a lot of this year coming, but now that it is all year it is making complete and utter sense. I have placed love as the highest priority this year. Love of my friends, love of my passions, and love of myself. I spent less time this year worrying about that I couldn’t change and if I had a great time or a great moment I reveled in it as much as I could. I don’t regret anything this year and that’s the most powerful thing of all. I have lost friendships, made friendships, found love, lost love, found love again, warred with my siblings, became a better uncle, got closer to my mom, quit my job, started a new one, forgiven myself, had amazing sex, started a YouTube channel, started painting again…… and whew! It was a fulfilling year.

Making two thousand and thirteen the luckiest year of my life came thru everything that culminated in my life over the last few years. I ultimately stopped taking it personal and realized my purpose on this earth. Whether or not if it will be received I really don’t care, but that doesn’t mean I will stop what I am and have done for past few years. I feel the sense of adventure and the challenge to pursue my goals as I feel fit. I don’t feel the need to be comfortable I just want to be free and happy. I think when you put that focus on inward and no longer look for things outside yourself to feel complete you find joy. It’s almost like a new level of thinking.

I walked into this year full of uncertainty and I knew there would need to be changes made so I built all the things around me to be successful and it worked out. I’m confident for the most part about the direction my life is going. There is still that eternal time clock in my head going off every few days but I understand that this is not a competition, this is my life and I live at the speed that is feasible for me.

I’m not going to be long winded, but a little advice lovelies…

Do what makes you happy.

Find your passion and dive in head first.

Don’t beat yourself up about the things you currently can’t change.

Never take on any new problems but your own.

Whatever it is that wants to leave, let it or them go and never look back.

Commune with like minds; never indulge people who don’t have your level of understanding.

If you can say I love you or I miss you, say it.

Be kind to those regardless of the benefit to yourself.

Find a mentor. (Which I am working on now.)

Know how to be a good friend and listener.

And above all……

FORGIVE YOURSELF.

I don’t know what will happen in 2014, but all I know is that it will only get better and things will constantly move forward and get more exciting. I thank God for the process this year and all the things I have learned, gained, and lost. I am thankful for all of you who read my blog and view my YouTube channel I think it’s a blessing. So until next year…

Peace and Hair Grease,

Rodd Klever

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2013 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 5,100 times in 2013. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 4 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

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The Breakup

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I have put off writing this for a month and this is my return since focusing on my YouTube Channel I wanted to write this as soon as my ex and I broke up, but I chose not to because I kind of hoped we would be cool again. I rarely hold grudges and after almost two months of no contact I found his number to be changed or out of service and I pray he is doing well.

So a few month ago a long standing friend and fuck buddy of mine decided that after all the profound conversations and love making that him and I would be a great match to be a couple. We had met in 2010 after a breakup I had but we consistently stayed in touch and even the times we were on Adam4Adam or Jack’d we innately were drawn to each other without seeing a photo. This New Year’s we hooked up in our last sexual tryst that let to us having a more communicative relationship. We talked more regularly and eventually we hooked up in May and soon made it official. We had a very short time of dating but it was a commitment even with the word love exchanged. He was a romantic cornball and I loved it. The first time we got to really talk about our thoughts we wrote commitment agreements to each other that I still have. It meant so much to me that he was invested in us. I think everyone will be so confused that why over a short time why I would be so pissed and harboring this but I will explain why.

After months of romantic bliss, one blow up, double dates, celebrating the friendly marriages, and meeting of friends and family it all came crashing down in one weekend. He was the person I had intended to spend the rest of my life with. He was articulate, intelligent, passionate, and protective. He respected the fact I was man but his bitch in the sheets and it made sense. I reveled in our love because it was great. The one disagreement we had, we diffused in hours afterwards and even followed up with a conversation the next day. I was wowed by the fact that he could communicate.

Or so I thought…..

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The beginning of the end started when I went on a trip to Miami with a few close friends in late July. This trip was planned by my Facebook group that I administrate. It was long before he and I decided to be exclusive that I was going on this getaway with the fellas. I spent the day with him before I left and that Friday I was in Miami. We spoke Friday and Saturday. I’m the kind of lover that likes to check in. I am a firm believer that your partner should be able to reach you or find you wherever you are. On that Sunday I wasn’t getting any return phone calls or text messages even though he had time to post on Instagram. I eventually got back and finally got a text when I was in the air and he said that he had been busy with work and school. Still didn’t make sense that I hadn’t from him but no worries. I was hoping to see him that night. I was fresh ready to go text, calling but nothing, but his Instagram was still getting posted on.

Even stranger……

I called my best girlfriend to talk me down because I was not only concerned but baffled. She recommended I take two Tylenol PMs, drink a glass of wine, and sleep it off. I tried for 4 hours. Something in my spirit told me to create a fake Jack’d account and look up his city. Since he had two roomies he was easy to find and there he was.

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I FLIPPED!!!!!!!!!!!!

I put on my skinny jeans and a V-neck and drove to his crib which was 45 minutes from where I stayed. I stood outside of his place by my car and watched his bedroom window. I had previously hit him with the fake profile and he had responded saying “Sup shorty?” I’m literally stewing like Beatrix Kiddo in Kill Bill when she heard Sophie Fatale’s voice in the bathroom.

After ten minutes my anger bubbled and I knocked on his door. His roommate was cool, because he clearly had no idea what was going on. I waited until he got out the bathroom and asked where he had been? He felt I was going to go off so we took it outside to the balcony. I am not the type of dude to go off or cause a scene even though I had caused a minor one at 630 in the morning. As we went out to talk I was calm but going off. I didn’t cuss. I asked why I hadn’t heard from him, where he had been, and why he didn’t have time to respond to my text or phone calls but he could respond to some random nigga on Jack’d. My rage was blinding but all he gave me was silence. I walked out and left and he didn’t even stop me.

So much for love…..

I got in my car and proceeded to drive home and text him and I told him that I loved him but could not comprehend why pulled this stunt. He explained that he was very sorry and didn’t argue because he knew he was dead wrong. He said he had the Jack’d profile to keep tabs on me.

Now let’s talk about an essential part of the story that even I missed….

Over Fourth of July weekend we had to housesit for a girlfriend of his and during that weekend my Jack’d account I had was going off. I mean its DC on a holiday weekend and I was near the city so it was going off. I know you are like but you gave him reason not to trust you. I didn’t actually. I had the Jack’d account to promote this blog that you are reading and I knew that me taking a few risqué photos would get me hits and it did, but as soon as we started dated I put my clothes on in my photos and wrote on my profile that I was in a relationship so there was no misunderstandings. While I slept and of course he was up my app was going off. So that morning when we woke he asked me to delete it and so I did. I knew it was a conflict of interest for my dude so I did what was best even though it caused my hits on my blog to dwindle to damn near nothing. It was for the greater good so I did what I had to do to keep this dude happy and I wasn’t even remorseful about it because I had the man of my dreams.

Back to the present…..

With all that said he further exclaimed that because of our innate attraction that if and when I made another account I would find him, but that never happened. I haven’t been on Jack’d until I had to go find him actually. Still haven’t and even if that was the case I’m back from Miami so it should have been deleted as soon as I hit DC soil. He wanted my immediate forgiveness but I told him I needed time to think and I took 24 hours, but he wasn’t free that day so the following day we got up. I expressed my concerns and explained that with all things said if you were concerned you should have called.

If you were worried about my activities all you had to do was look at my Instagram because I posted damn near every few hours.

If you thought I was cheating you should have asked.

I am not the cheating type at all. I am disgusted by cheaters. I am a man of my integrity and if I choose to walk down that route I will tell you and soon after leave. That is a hell no one should deal with. I decided in that moment to forgive him but he had to rebuild my trust in him which he didn’t like that declaration too much.

Oh well and that was Thursday….

So Friday I hit him and asked what was his plans Saturday because we always spent them together except that one weekend I went to Miami. He said he would let me know. I was elated I was hoping to get things back to normal as soon as possible. We are adults and in our thirties so I expected better.

So Saturday nothing…….

Sunday not a damn thing a smoke signal or text message…..

Monday… paid in complete dust….

But Tuesday at 5:36pm I got a dry text saying “What’s up?”

Really that’s all this nigga got? I completely ended it on text. I told him I couldn’t do this anymore. I can’t handle the disappearing acts, the lack of communication, the worrying about where you are and I explained that I rather walk now while I still love you because if I stick around I will hate you and you will jade me and I won’t empower you with that or anyone. He went on to blame me and said that I checked out on him. I don’t know how though? I think he expected someone to put up with his shit and I wasn’t going to. I know my worth and I have been treated better by worst people so this remedial acrimony was not in my repertoire of things I was going to deal with. Insult to injury he proceeded to go on his Instagram and write a textgram about me. So you know I was even more irritated because I wasn’t going to discuss it public.

I loved him and for a time I thought I had made a short sighted decision. A week later I guess both of my better exes felt something in the ether. One showed up at my job unexpectedly and the other had called. I explained all these events and both were pissed. They said I made the right decision and they both have loved me and still love me and to hear something so foolish to take place they understood why I ended it.

Personally we hadn’t dated that long for me to deal with that. I have been in real love before so anything less wasn’t healthy for me. I understood my ex had insecurities and fears and I was cool about it because we discussed them, but if he wasn’t ready he shouldn’t have agreed to a commitment or even saying he loved me. I am big boy I don’t even expect someone to say they love me back.

Do I hate him?

No.

Do I want to crack his jaw for wasting my time and then foolishly allowing him to integrate himself in to my life?

Absolutely.

The lesson is this to communicate in a relationship even if it hurts and if you don’t want to. Give the person the fair chance to know you and love you. When you don’t communication you take the power out of their hands to get to know you and ergo here we are split and pissed off. I do take some fault. Some of the signs were there in the little things he would say and how he would respond to things. I know better and I will do better.

Just a little advice lovelies.

You deserve the right to be happy and loved and no one ever has the right to harm you or heart. We all the best and even for a time it’s focusing on a relationship with yourself.

 

Peace and Hair Grease,

Rodd Klever

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YouTube: In The While

roddkleverWP2

 

My latest YouTube all about the effects about being black and how you are viewed by law enforcement.

 

 

Thank you for checking out my blog and subscribe to my YouTube channel.

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Astrological Excuses

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So recently I got trolled by a weirdo on my Facebook that had strange objections to how I handled the situation with my ex and I. Even though I had not fully disclosed the entire story. The thing that stuck out the most was this i

deology that because I was born a Pisces that the ideas, behaviors, approaches, and actions I took were indicative of my birth sign.

Honestly I don’t believe in astrology. I have in the past but I have found that theory to be debunked when I dated people who were “astrologically” outside of my compatibility. I had a very successful relationship with a Sagittarius and I think I have never had a greater love than him. My sister whom I am closest with is a Sagittarius and she has been more than a sister but a best friend and actually my other siblings are great as well but none of us are what you call “astrologically” compatible.

There is this belief that because of my birth sign that I can be secretive, moody, artistic, extremely loyal and sexually a freak. For some reason every sign wants to claim they are sexually the most fit as if its a darwinistic expression of any type of truth. It’s so infuriating when people are like..

“That makes sense because you are a Pisces.”

“My ex was a Pisces and he did this and that, I have to be careful with you.”

“I don’t like Pisces men, they do too much.”

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You can insert your own sign into those statements because we all have heard them. I hate being accountable for an ideal that I don’t believe in. Yes I am artistic but it was an outlet for me because I wasn’t a sports type of kid. I am emotional yes, because I was raised around nothing but women and my sisters and my mom were very nurturing and sensitive. So I have no issue with dealing with my emotional capacities.

Am I moody?

No, I don’t have bad moods nor do I take it out on people I just keep to myself.

Am I secretive?

If I was I wouldn’t be writing this blog and in my personal life I know secrets can destroy things and in turn harm others and myself. So I delight in the fact that I am very honest and straightforward.

Am I a dreamer?

Yes, but shouldn’t we all have dreams and aspirations?

The point I am making is that my experience and my personal morality is what makes me who I am. Not an alignment of stars and constellations. My experiences shaped me into being who I am today and I am still evolving. It’s unfair to hold someone to a standard like that. It’s almost as foolish as just because I am black or gay or that she is woman and Asian that we both have these certain traits and delineations. It conclusively condones the idea of limitations, stereotypes, and not researched expectations. I furthermore believe that the human or life experiences we have can not be contained within the theory of possible attributes that have no scientific or researched properties.

All and all I rather people see me for who I am and my actions towards them and others or experiences. Simply bottlenecking someone’s premeditated actions is just as foolish as assuming that black people love watermelon and fried chicken.

Peace and Hair Grease,

Rodd Klever

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Neo-Baggage

Emotional Baggage

Disclaimer: I wrote this post when I was still in a relationship, so I had to edit it again to make it current.

So dating in my past has been more than problematic. I have had decent lovers and great lovers and others who I would love to stomp into a ground. In fifteen plus years of dating I have noticed that really have accumulated baggage good and bad. I have more good baggage than bad, but my bad baggage was unexpectedly brought to my attention and I am trying to understand. My baggage of choice is slight abandonment issues.

Dun-dun DUNNNNNN!!

In my last two dating experiences in which one was great and a huge romantic builder. The other left me broken and found me inheritently indignant and irritated for a long time. I always praised myself as being someone who knew his heart and when I cleared the fog from my past dating experiences I decided begin dating again.

So speed things up and here we are dating and boyfriend and I have had profound conversations on dating and the place we are in right now. We identify we both have things that we need to work on from our past, but we would forge thru it together. Recently I took a trip to Miami with a few of my homeboys from my facebook group and a great time it was. Towards the second half of my trip I was hearing less and less from my dude and slowly I started to flip out. No one saw the meltdown because I don’t like people seeing me at my weakest, although this post confirms I freaked out. When I got back home I saw him and we talked about the lack of communication, he had a justified answer. Then I realized two things, either I am needy or I am needy.

After the conversation (which do well) I identified the issue quickly. As much as I thought I walked into the dating situation with minimal baggage, I realized I had a major issue and really blown my high this week. I have been trying to wrap my mind around it.

It all stems from my last relationship and rather than the person I was seeing to confront me and say they were done, they chose to disappear for months. I looked around for them and nothing. No contact at all. I was waiting just to hear they were dead and since we had a “discreet” relationship it was no one on his side that I could reach to find him. So I sat and waited. I turned around to be dumped and even in all the melee of the fuckery I still tried to be his friend, but I realized one day that he was not worth my friendship or understanding. So I disappeared on him.

I had to have long talks with myself because I feel primarily that my shortcomings are mine to deal with. I rarely reach out to people to help me to change a habit because ultimately I have to choose to change or to be the same.

Sadly I am making this decision within a relationship and by default I have to change because I have someone’s feelings involved and I take no delight in hurting people. I think the more and more I talk to my dude about this it will be absolved, but in my relationship mindset I hate being a failure or the perpetrator of misconduct and confrontation. I want things to go swimmingly, but alas that is not realistic and I even know that.

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2nd Disclaimer: Now lets get to where I am at now, I originally wrote this post 3 weeks ago.

So I made the decision to split from my dude a week after for more foolishness that took place. The thing about having baggage is to identify and handle it appropriately. When confronted with the thing that can make you a less than outstanding lover you communicate with the person you are with to resolve matters. Our communication ultimately failed and I got tired and I decided the healthy resolve was to be single and his friend but he chose not to. I will write one day in detail about my break-up and I hopefully will a series of all my breakups. I think it will be cathartic for me. So we will see.

So with all this said how do you deal with new baggage in a relationship? And do you move past it? And if it’s not you how do you help your lover/partner/spouse?

Peace and Hair Grease,

Rodd Klever

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Youtube: The Five F’s

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My latest YouTube video all about the five things that men need to have success in their relationships.

Make sure you follow my blog as well and thank you for your support.

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Problems Being Pinocchio

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So last week I had a run with a girl who was following me on my personal facebook. She had been instant messaging me some time off and on so we have had surface conversations quite frequently. Nothing too deep but just conversation and it was very basic. I only remember accepting her request because she was a friend of a close friend so I saw no harm. On our last conversation she basically tried to call me out on being gay and acted as if she had found the million dollar prize of the day. I was actually pissed off because I have never made my sexuality a secret. I have not really talked in detail about my sexual preference for several reasons and mainly because of the career choices I want to make and how it is frowned upon for being a homosexual in 2013. Why I do not know?

I feel like people obligated to knowing peoples sexual preference when I find it’s no one’s but the people you are sleeping with. I was more insulted because she had been watching over the past year to figure it out, rather than asking me like one homegirl did who I respect for doing so.

Ergo the problem…

I can’t help that I look like a man. I have had gayer days in my youth trust me, but because I am athletic and have tattoos and I have a beard half of the year does not mean I can’t be gay. I never thought anything about me was misleading, but my appearance is a constant evolution of who I am and being flashing and “pretty” is not my thing.

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I am not one of those gay men wear women clothes and accessories, I do wear fitted clothes, but they are clearly made for men. I don’t take photos usually wear I have “ducklips” or tooch my booty up or put my hands on my hip unless I am just funning around. Also I don’t do a lot of sideways peace signing or weird signs with my hands because for some reason we as men can’t keep our hands just to our sides when we talk photos. Then I smile in most of my photos, mom dukes paid for straight teeth and she going to get her money’s worth. When people meet me in person they can tell most times that I prefer but I am not in the space either of trying to hid it or make you comfortable, but I will discuss my personal sex life with strangers, especially women. I feel more comfortable talking to men about my sex life and love life than women, especially black women, which is a video I will have to do on my youtube channel soon: Rodd Klever’s Youtube.

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I have never used my image to mislead or enchant people. There is this misconception that with black gay men either we are extremely effeminate or we are so far in the closet that we have wives and families and we go around secretly fucking men. To the dismay of most people there are a lot of us who are just normal people who happen to enjoy the pleasure of men romantically and sexually and to boot there are some like myself who can socialize in any circle and if anyone knows me personally I have a diverse group of friends and there are secure straight men in that circle.

People need to remove their assumptions of what black gay culture looks like. I think people need to ask more questions and the right questions.

Yes I am a black gay man.

I have been openly gay since 2000, I come from a loving family who accepts my sexual identity and highly supports me as a gay person. My family supports me so well on this that I feel normal with them and more of an outcast amongst people I don’t know. I am blessed every day that I never had to war with my family about my sexual choices, particularly my mom who has always been a believer in gay equality and rights.

But I digress….

All in all people yes I look like a man because my mother raised me to be one. If you are unsure about someone’s sexual preference and how it relates to you, you better be sleeping with them before you ask a question like that because honestly black gay men are starting to build a serious gripe with uninformed black straight women.

Peace and Hair Grease,

Rodd Klever

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What Is Safe Sex?

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We all know safe sex is the use of contraceptives to prevent sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancies. My question is with all those things why is sex still unsafe?

Recently I have gone through a breakup and as of now I am not ready to discuss it (still processing), but I have slowly began the urge to have sex again. Let’s be honest. I am a man and like most men I think about sex and I am consider the act 70% of the day. Lately I have been afraid of getting back out there and sleeping around again with new people. Not because of the obvious but because of a fear that I will form a romantic attachment after coitus especially if we are connecting on the regular. Romantically I don’t want to date but I want to make love. You know what I mean, that Barry White-Secret Garden-Love Jones awesomeness with scents and candles in the air. I think about it all the time, but alas I am not totally there yet.

I have found over the years within my own sexual experience that sex can be a major compromise for me. I seem to get lost in sex and even my own emotions. The first time I had sex I was on the eve of twenty-two. It was not a great experience and being that I grew up so sexually repressed I was over the ideal of sex for months, damn near a year. Eventually I tried again and I reveled in the idea of it. Sex became fun and an adventure.

Sadly I started to become empty. It’s like I expected that all the sex I had I would find love. I equated that being great in bed would make me a great lover and that would lead me to be in a relationship. So yes I did sleep around, but I got to certain points that I would stop. I felt like I was compromising my spirit and energy and inadvertently drowning myself out all for pleasure. I found that a lot of sex to be a very unhealthy thing for me. Things should be done in moderation even if it’s a good thing.

When in the act of sex, whether if you want to call it fucking or making love there is a part of you that is unceremoniously sacrificed. It’s almost like an eye for an eye, an orgasm for an orgasm. I think it’s a part of the reason we form attachments with each other when have sex and why we can be destroyed when it isn’t consensual. Sex is a powerful gift and I believe in most of our experiences we squander it on people who are less than worthy. Years ago I had sex with this dude I met randomly at a New Year’s party I was bartending. And when I tell you this brother was hot and tall and chocolate and Caribbean. Let’s just say I lost my mind a little. I have never seen fine like that and up close and personal. Suffice to say we started a sexual relationship and it soon was me looking for something deeper. I was mistaken. He was only cool with the sex. I ended up breaking it off with him totally to spare my feelings. Let’s just admit that I’m soft for a dark skin dude with a smile. I became “dicknotized” and if you ever been in that space before you know how intoxicating it can be.

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After that ordeal I tried to strategically have sex partners so I wouldn’t lose my emotions again and it worked for some time off and on through the years.

So now we are up to date and my relationship wiped my sexual energy clean. When I was with my now ex we had explosive sex. Sex so good to the point that I gave up every part of my spirit and I think it made me more vulnerable to not loving him but committing absolutely to him. Now dealing with the aftermath my heart and soul is still comingled with his. It was a side effect of the love making we did. So now I sit in this limbo of wanting to make love but not knowing if it’s appropriate yet. I guess sex even with protection is not safe.

Peace and Hair Grease,

Rodd Klever

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